Mann

What’s behind the thoughts

Recently, I have started moderating my thoughts. There are certain thoughts that I am trying to not think too much about because they are bad taste. I can see thoughts being like those bubbles which start tiny and get big as they rise up to the surface. And, if I can pop them early then they don’t make me feel so bad. This maturation really happens in the span of just 2 seconds or something so I really have to act fast, to stop that thought. I feel bad for killing my thoughts..it feels like I am suppressing myself, like I am slapping my baby.

Yesterday an event happened and it gave rise to a thought that I am trying to not think of and I did a good job but I noticed that I was happy with that event and for the first time, I wondered if there is something behind the thoughts. It’s more than an emotion; I could feel it breath. It was happy and I noticed that there’s been times when it’s been sad. Mind is closest word in english (Mann in Hindi) that matches the description but I used to think of mind as a complete body, within which the thoughts, emotions and this elusive thing exists. Now, I need to know a new name for this home to mind, thoughts and emotion but that is trivial.

So I see thoughts originating from this being which is Mann. If Mann is happy, thoughts are of gratitude. If Mann is anxious, thoughts are fearful. If Mann is bored, thoughts are distracting. and it operates in auto mode, all the time. I can control my thoughts but this guy never shuts up. It’s perpetual, latent and ever-changing, just like weather. And it affects in the form of two things - rate of sending new thoughts, and content of the thoughts. Never reveals itself, it uses thoughts as a tool to express how it is feeling.

And it kind of wants to be attended. Immediately, almost like a kid. It wants you to take an action, have a conversation with it or mostly, it wants you to listen to what it is saying and may be, reassure it that he is saying the right things. Mann is also the one which sets expectations. and gets really upset when expectations don’t meet disappointment. I found that if you can classify your thoughts as expectations and kill that thought, then I tend to handle rejections/mishaps better. I want to practice more of this.

Mann is the agent of Moh which resides within you. Without it, Moh will have no effect on you. So Mann is like Vibhishan to Ravana (from Ramayan).

Mann is like the kid who wants the next new toy and who gets bored as soon as it gets it. It throws tantrums when it doesn’t get what it asked for. It fake-cries. It is an usurper. And yet, we don’t abandon it. Monks keep their minds in complete control. Sages can control their minds at will. but no one can abandon it..except may be, Buddha.

So I can only hope to live with it harmoniously, I can’t put it to deep sleep or kill it. So what is living with your Mann really like?

I have recently read Mahabharata and I could easily see an analogy. Mann is like Duryodhan for Dhritharashtra. Sometimes, one loves their Mann so much that they let them do whatever it wants, until it destroys irreversibly. Mann made Yudhistir play the game of dice, against his wisdom and Mann made him to go down the gamble rabbit-hole until he lost everything. Left unchecked, Mann can destroy a whole race.

Is there anything good about Mann? - there is. It provides taste. It provides a little bit of meaning. I am not a Monk kind of person. I would want to make my kid (Mann) happy and I feel happy when it feels happy. I would want it to understand me, so that it doesn’t harm me in it’s mischief. And I want to understand it so that I can classify between it’s short-term demands vs it’s true nature. E.g. I am sure that when I am doing my hobby, Mann is happy intrinsically..instead of momentarily like most times. I want it to support me to get stronger to be able to train it. In return, I will find healthy ways to fulfill it’s demands.